Thursday, May 19, 2011

Leaving My Heart On the Freeway

I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing. Full on sobs with tear streaming down my face.

We were driving in a city, on our way to a movie. Inexplicably, we were in the back seat with my sister and my parents were driving. The puppies were with us, sitting on our laps and walking around. As is always the case in dreams things were off. The car seemed large because the puppies were in the way, but there was still plenty of room for them to move about. At one point, the Husband let them outside of the car on their leashes so they could potty.

But then, at a stoplight, he couldn't handle it anymore. He kicked the pups out of the car just before the light turned green and my parents pulled forward, off the freeway with a left turn and across an overpass, then continuing on a busy street with many lanes.

I stared at the puppies through the back window of the car as we drove away. It was horrible. Those sad, confused faces. They tried to follow, but we left so fast. I cried and yelled. Somehow I got out of the car and was standing in the middle of the busy lanes, calling for my Loki.

That's where I woke up with my heart hurting and my eyes dripping. For a minute, the Husband patted my back and soothed me over and over. Finally I was able to sputter out, "you left the dogs in the middle of the freeway!" At which point he snorted, laughed, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I know. It's completely ridiculous. But it was horrible and sad and overwhelming.

Intellectually, I know that I will love the baby more than the puppies. But in my heart it's hard to imagine. I love them more fiercely than I've loved anything or anyone before. They need me. They rely on me. I'm their person. Like I will be for the baby. How terrifying to think that the thought of losing the rascals is enough to nearly cause me hysterics... what's going to happen when the tiny human isn't safe inside of me anymore? My heart may break every single day.


  1. Oh man Kristi, it's like I just read my own words. You have no idea how many times I've woken up from a dream absolutely furious with Jason over something that he did in a dream... and I cannot get over it all day. It causes physical pain!
    I also feel that way about children. I already have moments that I freak out when I hear sirens because I'm convinced that my house is burning down and my animals are trapped inside, helpless. If I have these kinds of irrational thoughts and fears with my animals, how many times worse will it be with a child?

    I think that you're what we call a 'fierce mama'. She's going to be so lucky to have you.

  2. Oh god, crying in my office over here. What the hell, dreams? There have been times that I have been angry at my husband all day for something he did in my dream. I love the way you describe your feelings for your pups.

  3. Oh Kristi, this post is heartbreaking. I know the feeling of being angry/upset after a dream though. Funny how those feelings stick with you for so long too. You are going to be an amazing mummy to those puppies and to that bubba girl you're growing right now.

  4. Thanks, ladies! Glad to know I'm not the only one who wakes up angry at my husband on occasion. I can't wait to tell him it's not just me.

    @Heidi, the last time we were in Portland I was convinced that something had happened to the pups in the house. I almost called someone to go over and check but W thought that was completely ridiculous.

  5. I'm tearing up at the airport, yikes.

    I, too, am among the ranks of ladies who have woken up peeved at their husbands for dreamy offenses. It's miserable!

    I think the fear and ferocity are natural parts of good mamahood. If you can love the furbags that much, can you imagine the love that little Fleur is going to enjoy? Lucky baby.

  6. Your heart will break every single day. But it will be worth it.