One Year Ago Today...

... we were with all of these lovely people celebrating the start of our marriage.

Photo courtesy of the amazing Ben Blood, of course.

To sex or not to sex

Me: Do you think we're having more sex because we're getting along better right now? Or do you think we're getting along because we're, you know, getting it on?

Husband: We're getting along better, which makes you happier, which means more sex.

Me: I thought it was the other way around.

Husband: Could be.


What do you think? Is there a cause and effect relationship?

A Summer Walk

I like taking walks. I never used to, but when I got a wiggling bundle of energy named Loki I started walking--every day. At first it was really hot and he used to plop down in any puddle of water he could find or try to escape into the neighbor's sprinklers. And then it was really cold and we'd bundle up and get sopping wet and come home and cuddle until we warmed up.

When Husband and I first started dating Loki was the entire focus of my life outside work* so we spent many a date walking. My house is in an old part of town so we'd walk through old tree-lined streets looking at the architecture and landscaping and talking about houses we'd like to have someday. I loved that we could walk, and talk, and hold hands.

Then we got married and I learned that Husband hates walking. Really. Can't stand it. Fusses every time anyone says the word "walk" and pouts whenever we start out. We live in a not-nearly-as-nice part of town now and there's not as much to look out.

But sometimes, just sometimes, we go out of town and we walk, and talk, and hold hands. And it's nice.

*long story. Maybe I'll get there someday. 

Luckiest At Last Love Theme

I've been listening to our wedding playlist at work this week. Before the wedding I picked out a bunch of songs that I loved, slapped them together on the ipod, and took it to the wedding. It was easy... but not. I wanted the right songs. The ones that had stories behind them. The ones that fit the feel of the day. And the ones that I would hear later and immediately think of our wedding, our story and our life.

This week it's been like a balm on my heart. 

On Marriage Being Hard

As always, Meg has impeccable timing. While I'm bitching over here about how marriage isn't all rainbows and puppies, some other lovely people are struggling with the same things.

I know a lot of people have great marriages.* But I have to say, knowing that other people wonder if they're cut out for this marriage thing too... well it makes me hopeful, actually. Hopeful that we're not as lost as it seems. Hopeful that we'll sort some of this out. And hopeful that even when I sleep on the couch or don't speak to my husband for 24 hours (on purpose so I don't explode) that maybe I'm not the horrible person that I feel.

Or, maybe I am? 

*Or are at least more secret about their not-so-greatness.

All Alone Over Here

I haven't been blogging much. I haven't had much to say, mostly because I've been struggling a lot. This has been a really tough week.* Amongst other things, I've been swamped at work. I've had jewelry orders to fill and extra pieces to make for a shop in town who is beginning to carry my designs. There are Big Decisions to make. We're going backpacking this weekend and it's the first time we've gone since we were kids so there are plans to make and supplies to purchase. My sister is staying with me while she attends some teacher-type classes. My head aches. I'm building a website and have no idea how to actually do that. The house is filthy. And we're only wearing clean clothes because my lovely sister did the washing this week.

But that's just normal stuff to complain about. What's most frustrating is the total lack of understanding and support from the Husband. If he went to bed every night crying because of exhaustion and way too much to do in far too little time, I'd like to think I'd pat his head and snuggle him and offer to help with some small tasks. I think I would get him coffee in the morning and buy him a special treat just 'cause. I'm sure I wouldn't laugh at him or ignore him or blow his stress off because it's "not real work."

Wouldn't you?

And that's not really the point. The point is that even if I am being ridiculous or even if things will calm down, it doesn't change how completely overwhelmed I feel with everything RIGHT NOW. And right now I could use someone to share it with... which I guess is you lovely ladies instead.

I always heard (and still hear) about how marriage is the best thing ever and how now you'll always have a partner and someone to support you. But it's certainly not all it's cracked up to be.**

*OK, a really tough month or two. 
**and on that note... am I really the only newly married person who can't figure out why in the world she got married in the first place? It seems unlikely that I am, but since I haven't found anyone else like that... perhaps I am?

Nicknames

We call our dogs a whole mess of names: Lyla Lou, Loki Boo, sweet pea, stinky, piss & vinegar, puppy, tweedle dee & tweedle dum, lokabohk, trouble and other things I can't think of right now.

Husband and I call each other, well, Husband and Wife. Seriously. The most frequent thing you'd probably here in our house is me hollering "Husbaaaannndddd!" when I need his help with something. And from him "wiiIIIIffe" with a long sign, usually when I've gone on a cleaning rampage.

We don't really call each other anything else. And we rarely call each other by name. Weird, eh?

I've heard some talk about adjusting to calling your partner by a title like husband or wife. Obviously that's never been an issue for us. But what I don't know is why. I didn't like the term "boyfriend" and I never used "fiance". But "husband"? Sign me up!

What She Said

You know how sometimes you want to say something, but you can't quite figure out how to make it sound right? And then someone else says it way better than you would ever be able to?*

Yeah. So the always-eloquent Lauren wrote this post that I've been muddling around for awhile. So I'm going to stop pretending to write it and send you there instead.


*And on that note, MWK:  "The Nest" showed up in my box this week. I have half a dozen rants I've started but none of them quite so well as you could do. Please, please, please tell me you found the same articles as horrifying as I did. In fact, email me and we'll commiserate.

Courtship

Recently I've been wondering how different our wedding and these first few months of marriage would have been had our timing been different.

We married on Labor Day weekend in September--exactly one year after our first date. Neither of us can remember exactly when we got engaged (yeah, that seems weird to us too, but we started talking about getting married so very shortly after our first date) but it must have been March or April because I remember saying to myself many times how I only had about five months within which to plan the wedding.

In many ways only having a few months for wedding planning was a blessing. It wasn't the best experience and I can only imagine that it gets more complicated when you don't have as much pressure to just MAKE A DECISION. But I do think that if we'd planned for a year we'd have done some things differently, or done more of it ourselves and saved money. Or maybe it's just that we would have had a better understanding of ourselves as a couple and that knowledge could have helped to prioritize our decisions.

And that leads to the other side of my wonderings: how would our marriage be different today if we'd known each other as well as we do now (or better even) before starting to plan a wedding and a life together? It seems that I'm learning something new about my husband at least every week, if not more. Not just little things like the fact that he hates black licorice, but things about his character, his dreams, habits and needs and patterns.

Are these things I should have known in advance or are these just things that come from living with/being married to someone no matter how long you've been together?

Nearly half of our courtship consisted of planning a wedding--which doesn't resemble real life. And now we find ourselves in this thing called marriage, in which he is my spouse and I am his. And some days it is really hard. We don't have a well of experiences to reach into. We don't have shared adventures and stories and friends. We can't look back and think of times that were worse or better than this. This short year is all we have had.

But we have many years in front of us. And I suppose in the long run that's all that really matters.

OUR life

I had a life-shifting moment last night. A paradigm shift, perhaps. A moment of beginning to realize (accept?) what this marriage thing is all about. Although all it really led to was more questions...

Husband and I were discussing his job, which led into more discussion about where he wants to go with his job and his career. Because of the inequalities of our jobs and financial status* I'm generally hesitant to speak about his career, lest he think I'm trying to run the show. I'm the planner and the go-getter of our partnership in most things so it's a natural thing for me. It's tricky.

As we talked things over last night that attitude kept getting in the way as I apologized or put a disclaimer on nearly every statement. I didn't notice until Husband finally told me to knock it off.

"Stop saying that. You're not meddling," he said. "It IS your business. We're married now. You get a say."

I'm sure you're laughing at me right now because apparently that's obvious to most people. I'm just slow, I suppose, but it still feels like HIS life and MY life... not OUR life. I try not to interfere in his and expect him to stay out of mine.

So does the fact that I'm married to him mean it's my right to have a say in his life? Is it a right? A privilege? An expectation?

How do I balance HIS life and MY life with OUR life? Are they the same?

And maybe most importantly... why does he seem to get all of this so naturally while I struggle with most aspects of being married?

*I make more than twice what he does.

A hint?

Husband emailed this article to me last week. A hint, you think?

Not Loving My Wedding

Meg at APW asked an interesting question yesterday--one I've thought of many times* but seems like the kind of thing no one says out loud. She wanted to know if anyone didn't love their wedding.

YES! My answer is a resounding yes!

As far as weddings go, there really isn't much I would change. We had a good party, we spent time with family and friends, we got legally hitched, we ate good food and ended up with great pictures. There were some stressful moments** in the planning process, at the same time, much of of the planning was fun. I was able to be creative and with the help of my mom and some good friends all my ideas came to life and were even better than I imagined. And it was most definitely a good time. 

 Still doesn't mean I loved it.

It was a tiring, busy day. Even though we planned the day so that we could spend time with people it didn't really work out. Yes, we got married and yes, it was fun to walk down the isle and see my husband and yes, it was important to say the "I do's" in front of everyone.***

Except, not really. I know for some people that's a really transcendent moment. It's life-altering and momentous. It's the happiest day of their life.**** Not for me. Am I glad we did it? For our families and the friends who were there and enjoyed it, sure. For me, no way. I never wanted a wedding. I always wanted to be married, yes--but a wedding, no. Before we even got engaged Husband and I talked about a tiny wedding somewhere on the coast with just our immediate families and possibly a friend or two. I dreamed of short white dresses and no fuss and standing on a cliff somewhere to say our vows with hot drinks inside after it was over. Once we were engaged it suddenly became VERY important to my then-fiance to have a "real wedding." With guests and vows and flowers and invites, and, it must be said, presents. We fought about it a lot. And then, I gave in.

But I should have fought harder. We're not the up-front, make a fuss over us type. We're the slipping away and surprising everyone with "guess what? we're married!" kind of people. And I knew it. And it would have been a wedding that I loved. 

*In fact, Husband and I were talking about this last week. He apologized and said he should have listened to me. That made me feel better about the whole thing.
**Ok, tons of stressful moments.
***I appreciate everyone who came to our wedding and everyone who helped out. Just because I didn't love it, doesn't mean I'm not glad you enjoyed it and that you were there.
****Seriously? How can that be?

Not Very Resolute

I don't really believe in resolutions for the new year. Maybe it's because one can only be disappointed so many times by never living up to them, but I think it has more to do with all the extra pressure put on by New Year's resolutions. It's like this huge new start to your life... except really, it's not. It's just putting up a new calendar and remembering to write a new end on dates. By February it feels just like the previous year and all those good new plans are forgotten.

This year my new "start to life," as it were, began in September when Husband and I were married. That's when I made new resolutions, when my life changed, when my routines and habits adjusted (or at least started to). Maybe I should make that my time to check in every year and see how I'm doing compared to where I want to be?








Wedding photo: by the excellent Ben Blood. 

Wet Toilet Seats

I listed one specific condition upon entering this marriage: I refuse to clean toilets. There are other things I don't like or prefer not to do but toilets are just non-negotiable. My lovely Husband figured that wasn't a horrible condition and so agreed.

The thing is, Husband and I have different views on cleanliness and household chores and the frequency of such chores. This is, in fact, by far the biggest source of contention in our new marriage (followed closely by learning to fight more politely). Even something obvious (to me) like cleaning toilets we can't see to agree on. In order to get onto a regular schedule we've tried a series of strategies:

We've (we = me, of course) tried nagging, to little success.

We've tried avoidance. No success there.

We've tried asking nicely followed by reward sex. Believe it or not, also no luck. At least not consistently.

We've tried lists posted in specific places around the house as suggested by the pastor who did our pre-marriage counseling. Husband requested important items be written on a white board he hung just opposite our bathroom. That has had some success, actually. But also, not consistently. 

What's actually worked (at least in regards to toilets): setting an alarm. Apparently, Husband finally just decided to set an alarm or appointment on his phone that goes off every Friday morning. So before he leaves for work he cleans the toilet and occasionally swipes at the rest of the bathroom.

So now on Friday when I get up and sit down on a very wet toilet seat* I smile.

*Why he thinks wetter is better when cleaning I'm not sure, nor why he doesn't wipe it down with something dry after his sanitizing spree--perhaps just to make sure I know it's been cleaned?

Married Issues

The New York Times Magazine cover story this week was Married (Happily) With Issues. A good article, which led Meg to talk about pre-marital counseling (which is a whole 'nother issue over here). But what struck me about the article was the constant struggle between closer intimacy and the need to pull away, to be yourself in a marriage.

This is something that Husband and I have not figured out. I crave more intimacy. I want to talk more, plan more, share dreams and goals and projects. But I'm terrified. And so I don't do it. I pull back and keep things to myself. On purpose.

Because what if we aren't on the same page? What if we find out we're not really who we think we are? What about our expectations? And maybe, most of all, it requires me to be less selfish. I have to think more of him, care more about his opinion and his needs than my own. I know, I know. That sounds obvious. But I'm prone to extremes--to caring about him OR caring about me. I can even care about US. But to be intimate with him while remaining intimate with myself? I don't know.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?