To sex or not to sex

Me: Do you think we're having more sex because we're getting along better right now? Or do you think we're getting along because we're, you know, getting it on?

Husband: We're getting along better, which makes you happier, which means more sex.

Me: I thought it was the other way around.

Husband: Could be.


What do you think? Is there a cause and effect relationship?

Nicknames

We call our dogs a whole mess of names: Lyla Lou, Loki Boo, sweet pea, stinky, piss & vinegar, puppy, tweedle dee & tweedle dum, lokabohk, trouble and other things I can't think of right now.

Husband and I call each other, well, Husband and Wife. Seriously. The most frequent thing you'd probably here in our house is me hollering "Husbaaaannndddd!" when I need his help with something. And from him "wiiIIIIffe" with a long sign, usually when I've gone on a cleaning rampage.

We don't really call each other anything else. And we rarely call each other by name. Weird, eh?

I've heard some talk about adjusting to calling your partner by a title like husband or wife. Obviously that's never been an issue for us. But what I don't know is why. I didn't like the term "boyfriend" and I never used "fiance". But "husband"? Sign me up!

OUR life

I had a life-shifting moment last night. A paradigm shift, perhaps. A moment of beginning to realize (accept?) what this marriage thing is all about. Although all it really led to was more questions...

Husband and I were discussing his job, which led into more discussion about where he wants to go with his job and his career. Because of the inequalities of our jobs and financial status* I'm generally hesitant to speak about his career, lest he think I'm trying to run the show. I'm the planner and the go-getter of our partnership in most things so it's a natural thing for me. It's tricky.

As we talked things over last night that attitude kept getting in the way as I apologized or put a disclaimer on nearly every statement. I didn't notice until Husband finally told me to knock it off.

"Stop saying that. You're not meddling," he said. "It IS your business. We're married now. You get a say."

I'm sure you're laughing at me right now because apparently that's obvious to most people. I'm just slow, I suppose, but it still feels like HIS life and MY life... not OUR life. I try not to interfere in his and expect him to stay out of mine.

So does the fact that I'm married to him mean it's my right to have a say in his life? Is it a right? A privilege? An expectation?

How do I balance HIS life and MY life with OUR life? Are they the same?

And maybe most importantly... why does he seem to get all of this so naturally while I struggle with most aspects of being married?

*I make more than twice what he does.

A Note

I came home from work today to find this on the bulletin board near our bathroom (the one we tried to use as a list board).

What a good husband.

Not Very Resolute

I don't really believe in resolutions for the new year. Maybe it's because one can only be disappointed so many times by never living up to them, but I think it has more to do with all the extra pressure put on by New Year's resolutions. It's like this huge new start to your life... except really, it's not. It's just putting up a new calendar and remembering to write a new end on dates. By February it feels just like the previous year and all those good new plans are forgotten.

This year my new "start to life," as it were, began in September when Husband and I were married. That's when I made new resolutions, when my life changed, when my routines and habits adjusted (or at least started to). Maybe I should make that my time to check in every year and see how I'm doing compared to where I want to be?








Wedding photo: by the excellent Ben Blood. 

Married Issues

The New York Times Magazine cover story this week was Married (Happily) With Issues. A good article, which led Meg to talk about pre-marital counseling (which is a whole 'nother issue over here). But what struck me about the article was the constant struggle between closer intimacy and the need to pull away, to be yourself in a marriage.

This is something that Husband and I have not figured out. I crave more intimacy. I want to talk more, plan more, share dreams and goals and projects. But I'm terrified. And so I don't do it. I pull back and keep things to myself. On purpose.

Because what if we aren't on the same page? What if we find out we're not really who we think we are? What about our expectations? And maybe, most of all, it requires me to be less selfish. I have to think more of him, care more about his opinion and his needs than my own. I know, I know. That sounds obvious. But I'm prone to extremes--to caring about him OR caring about me. I can even care about US. But to be intimate with him while remaining intimate with myself? I don't know.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

A Shameless Plug for the Movie UP

Watch the movie UP. (Disclaimer: I love just about anything Pixar does. But still. Watch it.)

I saw it in the theatre and would have watched it seven more times in the theatre but Husband put his foot down. Last week it finally, FINALLY came out on DVD and he surprised me with a copy right away. Yes, he knows the way to my heart is through even more adorable dogs ("I was hiding under your porch because I love you... can I stay?").

Beyond the amazing graphics, excellent soundtrack, talking dogs and lots of balloons... well, beyond that is the real reason I love the movie. It's the story of an lonely old guy who heads out on a fantastic adventure--the adventure he and his late wife never did get to have. Taking that adventure was his last gift to her. But, of course, she had an even better gift for him: the late-in-the-movie reminder that their life together had been one big adventure. The biggest and best of all.

And that's what I want from this marriage: that when it's all over and done the whole thing--big pieces and little, tiny everyday moments--is the greatest adventure of my life. 

What's a wife?

Meg at A Practical Wedding (who I've never spoken to but totally love) has started a super-interesting discussion about reclaiming the word (and meaning) of wife. Read it.

The best part about the discussion--for me, at least--is knowing that I'm not alone. Other new wives really are asking the same questions I am. We're all different so our challenges and solutions are specific to us individually... but... well, to be honest, it makes me realize that I'm not a bad wife for struggling to become a wife or to figure out what that even means.

I empathized with Meg's post today about crying in the car. I've struggled and struggled with changing my name. First I made one decision. Then I changed it. Then I found a new solution. Then I hated that solution. Finally, finally, I went to the Social Security Office and made it official. My new SS card arrived about two weeks ago now. And it's still sitting on that table where we put mail. Unopened. I'm just not ready.